


A Priest and Rabbi Walk into a Bar

by ChickenGoesMoo



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Crack, Drunk Wade Wilson, Father Wilson, Jewish Peter Parker, Priest Wade, Pure Crack, Rabbi Parker, Wade has no business being a Priest, misuse of Christian pickup lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:09:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21965473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenGoesMoo/pseuds/ChickenGoesMoo
Summary: They wake up married.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 151
Collections: Spideypool Priest Fest 2019





	A Priest and Rabbi Walk into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> No beta. Finally got around to posting this piece of pure crack. Sorry I’m advance.

Wade moaned, then rolled to the side. The night before was a complete blank. He fully suspected a hangover was the cause of his memory loss considering the nausea and pounding headache. 

The only thing he could remember at the moment was that the wedding he had officiated went off without a hitch. Or, technically the happy couple was hitched, but that was neither here nor there. 

He remember that the flight getting there before that had been manageable. Sure, flying all the way to Reno hadn’t been amazing. There was a kid behind him that had kicked his seat all the way, and the woman next to him saw his collar and thought a three hour flight was the perfect place for a confessional. Still, the man was an old friend from way back, before he found God. And damn, if that didn’t make Wade miss the good old days. That, and the sight Logan cut in a full Tux. His wife wasn’t anything to sneeze at, either. Her wedding dress was basically lingerie, which made her fit right in on the main strip of Los Vegas, where they decided to get married. The casino was beautiful. Flashing lights. Sin around every corner. Hell, it wasn’t even hiding behind the corners. A hooker had blatantly walked up to him, rubbed against the side of his Cassock, pointed nails digging patterns around his buttons, asking if she could call him daddy. And it wasn’t just the hookers who had seemed to be propositioning him. People seemed to think he actually was a hooker playing a part, which had made it even more uncomfortable as the night progressed. 

If Wade actually was the Saint he had been forcing himself to pretend to be for the past ten years to atone for his life before, it probably wouldn’t have been a problem. The problem was… the fast women, flashing lights, spinning wheels, dirty dancing, money and cards being thrown on tables, and even the smell of alcohol and other recreational drugs reminded him of his time on the street, shortly after he ran away from home, with a reminiscent half smile. Sure, it hadn’t been an easy life. Most days he had gone to bed starving on a broken down cardboard box with nothing but newspapers to ward off the cold. Still, that had been the most alive he had been in years, with a broken bottle in his hand, a heavy adrenaline rush, Logan at his side, and some hard earned cash stuffed in his sock. He probably wouldn’t have survived if he hadn’t been found by a priest in the garbage outside a church after a fight gone wrong. He owed his life to the church, despite the way Father Xavier seemed to think it wasn’t his calling. 

Still, that night in the wedding chapel with Logan had been hard. Not for the first time since he took his vows, he wondered if the bald old priest had been right about him. 

It was no surprise to Wade that he remembered the wedding passing in a blur with those doubts in his mind. Logan had ended the ceremony with a kiss to his wife, along with doing everything else but whip his dick out in front of the congregation to consummate there and then. And if that didn’t remind him of emotions he used to harbor for his old friend, then he was absolutely lying. 

It really wasn’t that much of a shock that Wade didn’t remember much past the open bar at the reception held in the casino. The flush faced husband plied him with a couple of drinks, telling him how grateful he was that Wade was willing to travel all the way to Nevada for the wedding, reminiscing about the old days and how he was so shocked they both made it out alive. Then, the wife had given him a drink as well, also offering her thanks for keeping the man of her dreams alive long enough to marry. 

Who was Wade, really, to turn down such merrymaking? It had been far too long since he had gotten drunk. It had been far too long since he had broken a rule, since he had that adrenaline high he chased in his youth, and since he felt like a real badass! 

Giving into temptation had been both the best and the worst choice he had ever made. Because after that point was exactly when his memories went fuzzy. 

He was thankful, at least, that he remembered taking his leave before the effects of the alcohol had taken hold of him and he tried to kiss either the bride or the groom. Or anyone, really. He forgot he was a flirty drunk. Swallowing down dirty pickup lines to the guests of the wedding as he saw himself out was the hardest thing Wade had ever had to do. 

He remembered stumbling down the road, passing a Cupid chapel, possibly stopping at a bar on the way back to his hotel room? Maybe that was why he couldn’t remember…

Why wasn’t this his hotel room? Wherever he had woken up, it looked like a grungy love hotel, styled after the worst fashions from the sixties and probably not cleaned since then either. 

As he took in his surroundings with sleep bleary eyes, a warm limb pressed up and between his legs- his very bare and naked legs- making Father Wilson suddenly very, intimately aware of another occupant in the bed. 

Wade woke fast, toppling from the mattress and onto his hands and knees when the world spun from his hangover. He made to stand, but his legs went weak at the ache coming from his lower back. Had he fallen on his ass on his way back to his hotel room? Or had he…

Had he?

He made a quick prayer to the lord above and chanced a glance at the occupant of the bed, who blinked at him just as confusedly as Wade probably was. 

“Shit!” 

Yeah, it was kinda hard not to curse when you find a strange, extremely handsome stranger in your bed. Especially when you took a vow of celibacy. 

He could already hear Father Xavier saying ‘I told you so,’ in his head. 

Bald old fucker was right. Damn him. 

Even worse, he was starting to remember blips of the night before. Knowing what he did was half the battle. Remembering some of his wording? Yeah. He would swear to the Lord above that he would never touch another drop of alcohol if he could avoid that embarrassment. 

_ “Excuse me, is this pew taken?” _

_ Wade was thankful to note that he had not been drunk enough, or maybe sober enough, to use that horribly cheesy pickup line. No, that honor had gone directly to the very handsome and very Jewish man that had stood just behind him at the dive bar the night before. The same man who now sat, completely naked and equally befuddled, in their shared bed. How Wade found himself at the bar that night instead of his hotel room was still a mystery to his hungover brain.  _

_ Wade did, unfortunately, remember his response to the man, and the conversation that followed.  _

_ “YES! God did answer my prayers!” Wade had smacked the stool next to him.  _

_ “I wouldn’t go that far,” his companion for the night said cheerfully while taking the seat. “So, confess here often?” _

_ Wade had snorted into his drink. Was it his second or third? Maybe fourteenth? He doubted he would ever know. “Seriously, pall. Quit sinning so blatantly.” _

_ The man snorted, motioning to the bartender. “Didn’t know drinking was a sin, and if it was…” _

_ “No, no, no. Not that. The eighth commandment says not to steal, and you, good sir, are taking my breath away.”  _

_ The man laughed. “An amorous drunk who became a catholic priest. Who would have thought?” _

_ “Hey,” Wade slurred with a crooked smile. “Leave the judging for God.” _

_ His drinking companion snorted, grabbing a hand full of nuts while waiting for the bartender to finish with another customer. “So, what brings you here?” _

_ “Wedding,” Wade said. “You?” _

_ “Bar mitzvah.” _

_ “Hmmm… boys turning into men, right?” Wade leaned too far over when the room tilted, nearly falling off the stool.  _

_ “I guess. In the simplest of terms,” he agreed with an indulgent smile.  _

_ “What are the chances I can get you to turn me into a man tonight?” Wade waggled his eyes, earning a stifled snort for his troubles. _

_ “All the religion in all the world would have a hard time with that. I doubt even your Christ could deliver on that miracle.”  _

_ “Hmmmm… I don’t know,” wade eyed him over his glass in a way he really shouldn’t be doing to anyone with his occupation. “He delivered you to my table, didn’t he?”  _

_ The bartender finally approached them, taking the stranger’s order. “How many drinks do I need to catch up with you?”  _

_ Wade found that outrageously funny for some reason. “Friend-“  _

_ “Please, it’s Rabbi Parker. But, since we’re being friendly, and you certainly aren’t Jewish, you can just call me Peter.” He raised his glass in a toast. “What should I call you?”  _

_ “Will. God’s will.”  _

_ “No. God no,” Peter wasn’t nearly drunk enough to be laughing at Wade’s jokes.  _

_ “Call me Joshua, cause I’m about to make you’re walls come tumbling down.”  _

_ The laugh that earned him also earned the both of them several glares from around the room. “Really, though?”  _

_ “You can call me Moses if I can call your legs the Red Sea. With one wave of my magic staff, I can part them and take you to the promise land.”  _

_ Peter snorted his drink at that, “Please stop! I don’t want to accidentally spray alcohol out of my nose!”  _

_ “Fine, fine. Father Wilson. But, since you are certainly not a catholic, you can just call me daddy. Or Wade if you’re nasty.”  _

_ “Alright Wade.”  _

_ “Ah. So you are feeling nasty. Good to know.” Wade downed the last of his drink and motioned for another. “Anyway, back to what I was saying, you think that you can match me drink for drink?” He shook his head. “Peter, Peter, Peter… have you ever been to a catholic wedding before?”  _

_ “Actually, yes.”  _

_ “Then you know, we take our drinks very seriously,” Wade reminded.  _

_ “Considering your position, I would think you would take many other things seriously as well,” Peter said, but Wade blew it off.  _

_ “What can I say. So long as I don’t act on it, it’s no problem. I think. Actually, I think I am drunk enough that I am incapable of doing that anymore. I’m a blast to have at parties, though.”  _

_ “I can see that.”  _

_ “Bartender!” Wade flagged him down a little more hurriedly. “Another round of shots, on me! Gotta get you started somewhere.”  _

_ “Don’t worry,” famous last words, “I’m sure I can keep up with you.”  _

_ “We’ll see,” Wade said.  _

After that, everything went from being a blur to a complete blackout. 

“I think… I saw the face of god last night,” the man Wade now realized was Peter groaned, shifting beneath the blankets. “Shit!” 

“Shhhh. Do you pray to God with that mouth?” Wade said, instantly regretting it when the sound made his throat crackle and his mouth feel like it was stuffed with cotton balls. 

“I can’t believe we did that last night! What were we thinking?” Peter ran a slim hand through unfairly fluffy hair. Wade had to admit, of anybody he could have woken up with, Peter definitely wasn’t the worst thing out there. “You’re going to be in so much trouble.” 

“So long as I don’t tell anyone, and you don’t tell anyone, I don’t see the problem,” Wade attempted to convince himself. “I doubt this is the first time a priest has broken his vows, and I doubt it will be the last. It’s like the army, right? Don’t ask don’t tell. This is going to stay between me and god. And you?” He pressed his throbbing eyes into the flat pillow. 

A calm and peaceful moment passed before Wade’s bear slumber was interrupted by his bedmate. 

“Oh no,” Peter muttered in sudden shock. “Wade? I… I don’t think that will be a possibility… 

“Oh, don’t go all moral on me now. Pretty sure you were perfectly content sodomizing me when we were drunk last night. Not to say I was an unwilling participant, but…” 

“That’s not what I meant!” Peter hissed, sitting up and scrambling across the sheets, shaking Wade by the shoulders as he did so. “Did you even… look at your hand, Wade!” 

“Mmmmm… no. To hard.” 

“WADE!” 

“Fine!” Wade sat up, trying his hardest not to fall back into the blankets. He held up one hand. It was completely normal. Then he held up his left hand and… 

Oh. 

“Do you see how that isn’t an option anymore?” Peter panicked, launching across the room in his full, naked glory to rummage through some papers on their bedside desk, ironically right next to the hotel bible. 

“What is this?” Wade’s attention was still stuck on the shimmering object wrapped around his ring finger. And it wasn’t. Coming. Off. 

“It’s a wedding ring!” Peter shouted. “I don’t remember much, but you were kinda insistent we tie the knot. I think. I didn’t exactly say no. Oh, God!” 

Peter turned and stared at Wade. Wade stared back. 

Wade’s eyes drifted. So did Peter’s. 

“Do you believe that God works in mysterious ways?,” Wade asked after a moment, finally seeing Peter with a sober eye for the first time since they met. 

Peter gave him a nervous smile. “I’m a Rabbi, Wade. What do you think.” 

Wade took a deep breath. “Come back to bed let me get to know you biblically.”


End file.
